


By Inches

by Ria_Trevelyan



Category: Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Angst, F/M, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Happy Ending, Oblivious Inquisitor, Slow Build, Unrequited Love, mention of rape
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-07
Updated: 2015-01-10
Packaged: 2018-03-06 11:13:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,466
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3132386
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ria_Trevelyan/pseuds/Ria_Trevelyan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A rather stunted love story in which Cole is actually the less oblivious party for once and F!Trevelyan is too busy being neck deep in her own issues to notice what's right in front of her.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this in a bit of a flurry right after the end of my first DA:I play-through. (So, like, a month ago)
> 
> Don't know that I'm a huge fan of it anymore, but I was so absolutely absorbed in feels when I wrote it that I wanted to post it for posterity. Plus, there seems to be a hole to fill in the fandom for this particular pairing. Who knows, maybe someone else will appreciate it.
> 
> Enjoy, I hope. :)

1.

The others didn't understand her concerns. _Certainly_ no one had tried to comfort her, the very idea was (apparently) ridiculous.

In fact, Vivienne had spent almost the entire approach to Halamshiral giving her a very condescending -- and not at all anxiety dampening -- speech about the importance of properly representing mages, the inquisition ,her family, etc.

Not that this was by any means her first ball. Her first appearance at court, yes, but mage or no she was still a Trevelyan. It was just…

There had never been so many eyes on her before. So many high (or low) expectations that she was afraid to disappoint (or justify). Not just some nameless fourth child of old money anymore. **Nope.** Now she was a leader of a heretical organization, an outspoken advocate for mage rights.

_Outstanding._

She had wanted to bring her closest companions, hoping for compassion and moral support. But after a few subtle words from Josephine, reminding her of her responsibility and the importance of making a good impression, she ended up bringing Vivienne, Cassandra, and Solas. Apparently mistakenly thinking that the Seeker could reign in her brash nature for a night and act like the nobility she was. Maybe Ria would have been better off bringing Bull after all.

Three hours in (and zero dances with her favorite Elven apostate later) and Ria finally manages to slip away from the vipers into the relative safety -- and rejuvenating silence -- of the Guest Wing. 

To find Cole waiting for her. 

"Um..." she says awkwardly. Hoping, perhaps foolishly, that he will take the cue and explain his presence here. Almost. He seems to at least recognize that she's waiting for something because after a painfully long silence he simply says, "Hello."

Well, good. Now that _that's_ all cleared up…

Maker preserve her, she doesn't have time to press him for an explanation _now,_ if she dallies here too long her absence will be noted.

"I'm glad you're here Cole." she says instead. Because it's true. Ria trusts him and genuinely enjoys his company. She is glad he's here, _confused,_ as he was uninvited....but glad nonetheless.

Like a loyal pup, he shadows her as she flits about the abandoned corridors, occasionally tucking away some scandalous document or found coin. Eventually she finds what she's looking for and turns to leave, only to be pulled up short by Cole's voice.

"Why Solas? They all said no, but it only hurt from him. You said no too." 

_That_...had a very long, complicated, and emotionally exhausting answer. But she couldn't just _leave_ it. He’d asked her a question, and as always she hated to disappoint.

Think Ria, explain it in simple terms. 

"I like Solas, I wanted to spend time with him and I wanted him to want to spend time with me as well. I'm sad because that wasn't the case, and because I don't entirely understand why."

Cole nods and seems to be thinking deeply about the simple concept, so she turns to leave. Still a lot to do before the night is over. No time to worry about silly crushes while the fate of a nation hangs over the abyss. 

Unsurprisingly, the rest of the night is an unmitigated disaster. Well, Leliana says otherwise. Calls her the ‘Belle’ of the ball, praises her for managing to unite Briala and Celine again -- something the bard hadn't even considered possible. There's a speech, a dance. Gaspard is sentenced to death, and from the way the others are acting you would think all was well in the word. 

Ria is tired to her very bones.

And yet when Solas comes out to talk to her, her heart lifts. There is still music playing, flickering candlelight, a pretty dress, a moonlit balcony. She thinks perhaps he is impressed, maybe now he will want her.

_Ha._ \-- She doesn't have that kind of luck.

The elf expresses his admiration for her choices and the way she has conducted herself. Giving her a proverbial pat on the head before leaving to 'enjoy the last of the music'. Alone, of course.

"Why does it matter so much?" 

Perhaps she should be surprised that Cole shows himself again now, when he didn't even help with their battle -- but she isn't. Her chest aches and even if he doesn't understand, he _knows._ Unrequited ~~love~~ crushes suck.

"I don't know. It shouldn't." Ria shrugs and kicks off her heels, considering dropping them off the balcony for a second, before deciding that Josephine would throttle her if she did. 

She feels Cole come closer and gives him her full attention, raising a brow at the strange way he is holding his arms out to her.

"I like you." He says, as if that explains everything, or even anything. "Dancing is hard, you have to listen with your feet as well as your heart, but I like you." 

Ria swallows a slightly hysterical chuckle, because he really _is_ being sweet and she doesn't want to offend him. "It's...not _quite_ the same thing Cole." Makers breath, she never should have tried to explain it to him, he's completely misunderstood.

"You...don't like me?" Shite. No way out of this. "Because I'm a demon?"

Ris shakes her head and takes his hand.

It's not what she dreamed of. No handsome elf with a lilting voice and full lips to sweep her off her feet. But Cole is sweet, and despite his obvious discomfort and his stumbling attempts to follow the steps he _does_ dance with her.

When the song ends Ria wraps him in a big hug and whispers a 'thank you' into his ear. He even hugs her back after a few awkward and confusing seconds.

Then Josephine calls out to her, expressing concern at her prolonged absence; and when she turns back around Cole is gone -- but the Inquisitor thinks her heart might be just a little less heavy. 

 

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

2.

It's the first nightmare she's had since she met Solas. Since he taught her better control over the fade, it's the first honest to Maker _dream_ she's had. Nowadays she usually just wanders, speaking with spirits and exploring Skyhold's colorful past....one time she even ran into Solas. 

That had been more than a little awkward. 

But she would trade _this_ moment, _these_ memories for a million impulsive ill-informed kisses and the awkward silences that follow. 

This horror is almost a week in the making. Five nights of casting dreamless sleep spells on herself and trying her hardest to just. _not._ **think.** Not that her waking hours were any better. She should have known better than to bring Cole, she knew there was a chance this wasn't going to end well. Now Wisdom was dead, and Solas was gone. 

Bull had tried several times to brighten the mood of his remaining traveling companions, but he just didn't understand. Demons and Spirits still confused and frightened him, he didn't understand why the loss of one had everyone so on edge. 

Cole was very upset. Calming marginally only once he managed to get Bull to swear that if he ever changed like that he wouldn't hesitate to strike him down. He'd tried to get the same promise from her but she had been unable to promise him that. Not that he'd pushed very hard. She knew he didn't want to talk to her right now, not after she'd all but encouraged Solas to strike down the rebel mages who'd bound the creature. 

She had tried in earnest to explain to Cole: "What if they'd taken me?" she'd ventured, "What if they'd bound me and used magic to torture _me_ until I agreed to protect them....or altered my mind so that _I_ didn't understand what I was doing?"

He hadn't seemed to have an answer for that, and that had been the last time they'd spoken. After that, 2 days of almost complete silence. 

Then the Nightmare crept in:

They were fighting Venatori. Battle raging in an old ruin that was treacherous to navigate with so many bodies packed inside, let alone bodies that were flinging magic and wielding swords. For every warrior or rogue Ria cut down another rose immediately to fill their place, she wasn't going to make it. She _needed_ to make it. 

Up on the balcony she could see the mage casting, feel his spell coming together, tugging roughly on the fade, weaving it together into something dark and twisted. 

To her left Cole screams, a sound she's never heard from him before and without thinking she turns. Watches in helpless horror as he clutches his head, chanting _'no, no, I won't, you can't make me.'_ Desperate, Ria flings her combatants aside with a mind blast and sprints towards him, cursing herself all the while for the way her legs seem to be weighed down with lead, the air thick as water as she tries to reach him in time.

He reaches out to her, eyes pleading for help; accusing her because _she_ isn't going to make it. _She_ brought him here. This is all _her_ fault. 

Cracks form along his skin as his form twists and transforms into something monstrous that still has his face. 

She drops her weapons as it takes a step forward. Ria looks up into his eyes and finds no recognition there, everything that made him Cole is gone and --

\-- and she wakes up screaming.  
-  
-  
-  
Five minutes later he slinks silently into her tent. They don't talk about it but she knows he saw, or heard or...whatever it is he really does.

He isn't mad at her anymore, if he ever truly was. Cole just sits there, lets her rest her head on his shoulder. Lets her reassure herself that he's still there, still _him._ Eventually he wraps an arm around her in an awkward embrace. She thinks it's strange for this to be so comforting because nothing has changed. Nothing is alright now that wasn't before. But she's weary to the core, and he smells tangy like lyrium and the fade. 

Some time later she wakes in a puddle of her own drool, clutching the outer layer of his leathers like a stuffed nug.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

3.

It's so different from any other friendship she's ever had. 

In the Ostwick circle she'd been too much of a rebel amongst Loyalists, held too many fringe views to actually get close to any of her fellow mages. 

The Templars had hated her for obvious reasons. She was always watching them, breaking the rules, using her Noble blood as an excuse to escape the tower for a week, a month, nearly a year once.  
Not that her non-mage friends had been much better. On her reprieves from the tower it had always been too _Orlesian_ for her tastes. Veiled threats, political maneuvering. No one ever said what they really meant. 

Even within the inquisition, no one ever came out and _told_ her how they felt about her decisions. No, Ria had to watch their reactions, keep track of their allegiances and talk to them for hours, dig tirelessly for information. Then, _maybe,_ just maybe, she had a good idea of who would approve or disapprove of whatever world-changing decision she was pressed to make this week.

Which is why, understandably, she is a little surprised when Cole turns to her after they've located all the supply cache's for recruit Whittle and says simply: "I'm glad we did that."

For a moment she shifts uncomfortably, unsure how to take that. Because, of _course_ he's glad. It wasn't out of their way and it helped a lot of people. She stares at him, confused, for a moment too long and he tilts his head curiously. "Aren't you?" He adds. 

"Of course." 

He smiles, face lighting up and the joy is catching. Ria feels her own lips pull into a goofy grin and thinks again that's she's so glad to have met him. Promising herself from now on she'll try to be more honest, more open with her feelings. 

"I'm glad you enjoy helping people." Simple and honest, yet again. Ria should really let him know how much it’s appreciated. She's thinking about telling him so as they descend the stairs back towards the crossroads merchant but Sera gets there first.

"Ugh, you're both just.... _so weird._ " 

Her happiness vanishes immediately, but it's the way she can see doubt and sadness pass over Cole's face that makes Ria think she probably won't be bringing Sera anywhere with them in the foreseeable future. 

And that's the end of it. Sort of. 

From then on Ria can't help but notice and appreciate the way Cole is always willing to communicate how he feels. An honesty that makes her question all her own actions, makes her strive to be more blunt and straightforward in her own speech. 

"I missed you." He says. Responding to her question about why he has come all the way down to the Undercroft to talk to her. So simple, no elaboration, just -- 

_.....Perfect._

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

4.

They're looking to her.  
Again.  
They always _are,_ of course, but somehow it's different this time.

She's held judgement before, many times. She's sat in that damned throne more than once and ordered a death, ordered exile, jail time. It was hard then, but _this_ is impossible.

If she makes the wrong decision now it could _kill_ Cole. Or at least, it could change him enough that it may as well have. 

If she encourages him to become more human...then what? What if it isn't possible? Solas doesn't seem to think so. It's clearly what Cole wants....but wishing something does not make it realistic. 

The truth of the matter is that unless he becomes more like a spirit the amulet will continue to not work, but -- Ria _knows_ that isn't what he wants. 

So she remains paralyzed. The safer bet is to push him back towards Compassion, the being that he once was. 

Once upon a time he _was_ a spirit, it is something she knows he _can_ be. 

He has _never_ been human. It is not something they know for sure he is capable of.

If he tries and fails to change his very nature he could be corrupted, turned against them. It makes her skin crawl to think of anyone violating her friend that way...but Corypheus will at least try. 

Dammit.  
 _Dammitdammitdammitdammit._ Curse the Maker, the creators, the old gods or whoever may be watching for letting it come to this. 

She sends Varric after him, her choice made, though her hands and voice shake like leaves as she renders her verdict. Solas is clearly disappointed, but that's a problem for future Ria. Her present self sinks onto the platform of a nearby statue and cradles her head in her hands waiting for Varric and Cole to reappear, conscious of every single breath and heartbeat as they wait. 

Everything will be different now, she knows that to be true the moment Cole comes back into view. 

Yet, when they finally return to Skyhold Varric seems determined to act like nothing monumental has occurred. They play a game of Wicked Grace where Cole cheats shamelessly and everyone pretends not to notice, and afterwards Varric gives Cole a few novels that he says will help him ‘study up’ on being human. Ria glares at him warningly, thinking it might be perhaps a bit early to expose Cole to raunchy romances and smut. Perhaps they should focus on his speech patterns first, or something easier, like how to not spook the horses.

Doubt begins to grow in her mind. Perhaps she has made an incredibly stupid and selfish decision. Ria is still unsure if she really wants him to change at all...and to put his happiness and desires over the potential future safety of the Inquisition….

She’s just beginning to believe she might really have made a horrible mistake, but -- Then Cole looks up over his hand of cards and thanks her for being his friend, and for not giving up on him even though he has changed. 

Ria quickly goes to fetch more wine in an effort to cover her tears. Not sure quite yet if they are born more of happiness or sorrow. 

When she returns to the table Cole stares ~~through~~ at her for two full rounds, but he says nothing about the turmoil he must certainly be able to _feel._

Ria thinks that she and Varric should work on teaching him about eye contact, or perhaps just mention that staring is sometimes rude.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

5\. 

"Aren't you supposed to be getting better or something? Less like you?"

Even admitting it to herself makes Ria feel ashamed, but it has stopped rankling her quite so much when Vivienne and Sera refer to Cole as a thing or a creature or 'it'. After all, it doesn't seem to bother _him,_ so why should it bother _her._

Then again, he _is_ much more human now. Maybe tonight she'll pull him aside and see if he's as okay with it as he seems…

Of course, later that day Sera accidentally calls Cole 'him' and his response is heartbreaking. He shouldn't have to seem so grateful for something as simple as being recognized as a person. Suddenly Ria feels like shit for not stepping in on this topic sooner.

_Damn it all._

Mistakenly, she assumes this means things have solved themselves. Not the case. 

The memory lingers in her mind so insistently that come nightfall Ria has trouble sleeping and ends up climbing up to a little alcove so she can overlook the desert sands sparkling in the moonlight. It's gorgeous, but in a sad way, and she's almost drifted off despite the hardness of the stone beneath her head when Cole speaks.

"Would you like me better, if I was less like me?" 

Ria startles from the brink of sleep, seeming to surprise Cole just as much with the suddenness of her response. 

"Um, what?" Articulate, as always.

"You decided I should be human," ..well, not exactly, but O.K. "but I'm still wrong. Still me. I'm sorry."

Well, there's the old familiar urge to slap Sera...and perhaps herself this time too. She should appreciate him more. Vocally. It makes her skin crawl to think she's ever made him doubt their friendship or her affection for him.

"There's nothing wrong with you Cole. You're exactly who you were meant to be."

"Even though I say things wrong? I make people uncomfortable and don't understand. I scare people."

"No." His face falls, and it takes a lot of self control not to rush out the next words. "It's not inspite of those things that I love you Cole, it's because of them. I supported you becoming human because I thought it was what _you_ wanted."

There's a moment of tense (on her side at least) silence before Cole moves closer and leans his head on her shoulder. "I'm sorry if I ever made you feel like there was something wrong with you Cole. I should have said something before about how some of the others speak to you."  
His head shook slightly, almost imperceptibly against her shoulders. 

"I don't care what they think." Her chest tightens, mind betraying her by replaying the words he didn't say over and over until she falls asleep.

 

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

6.

Varric is busy teasing Cole about his curious reaction and barrage of inquiries regarding a rather graphic sex scene in one of his books when Solas asks the question that flips Ria’s world on it’s head. 

Unsurprisingly, the only uncomfortable one here is her. 

Solas is curious, Varric is amused, and Cole seems mostly uncertain what he's supposed to be saying or feeling or thinking. 

It's been his most common state for the past few months. He had become more human in that time, no doubt. But he seems to be in a constant state of waiting for someone to give him instruction, rather than figuring anything out for himself.

Once the inner circle had figured this out, they had often been refusing to help. Still answering his questions of course, but when asked directly what he should think or do about a problem they cut him off. If he was going to truly be human he needed to decide what he felt and thought for himself. 

Varric had been helping by lending him novels and telling him stories. Solas had similarly been sharing memories from the fade -- impartially informing Cole of different opinions and practices among ancient societies, letting the boy decide for himself what it was he favored.

Ria knew they would have to talk to him about sex eventually. It was a pretty significant part of being human, and important to understand even if he wasn’t going to have any; if only for the way it motivated and affected those he was surrounded by. 

Distantly she hears Cole explaining to Solas why he doesn't think it's something he should explore just yet. At least, Ria thinks that's what he's communicating. This may be one of those times where Cole's speech has drifted a bit too much in the direction of poetry vs. prose for her to totally understand. But he seems to be worried that if he allows himself to feel desire he will risk what draws so many demons to the vice. 

Despite herself Ria tries to imagine Cole becoming anything even remotely resembling a desire demon and finds the thought ridiculous, still, if it makes him uncomfortable she thinks there is no harm in leaving it alone for now. But Solas seems to disagree.

A familiar, overly focused look on his face he asks Cole if he has had any interest in women at all. "Or men." Varric adds helpfully, "You know, or dwarves, elves, qunari...". Solas shoots him a chastising look before turning his gaze expectantly on Cole.

Who is frowning, a wild, almost scared look in his eyes. 

"No." 

He doesn't shout it, but it is said with an unnatural amount of feeling, as if he felt he was being accused. As if answering in the affirmative would have meant he had done something _wrong._  
And perhaps he _does_ think that. His view of the world is so often filtered through the thoughts of those around him, and there are more Chantry sisters and devout Andrastians haunting Skyhold than Ria is personally comfortable with. Suddenly she is concerned that he sees desire the way they would, as something dirty to be purged, repressed.

Silently, she comes to the decision that she will talk to him about it later. Perhaps seek him out privately when they make camp tonight, make sure he has a clear understanding about consent and it's importance in thoughts and actions. The tips of her ears burn just thinking about how she's going to start that talk. Unfortunately, it is probably necessary. 

Cole's outburst has effectively silenced the group, the others most likely trying to understand the vehemence behind his words as she is. 

When Varric starts asking Solas about Diamondback strategy Ria heaves an audible sigh of relief. The renewed background chatter and the soft summer's wind rustling the leaves almost blocking out Cole's whispered words.

"But I shouldn't lie."

The rest of the air in her lungs leaves in a rush. She should be happy for him, that Cole has found someone he likes. Whether it ever amounts to anything or not, it is an important step in his transformation to human. Instead she feels like she's swallowed something heavy and vile. 

Her stomach churns and her eyes prickle.  
Varric is asking her a question.

Ria shakes it off and answers with an eye roll, eagerly joining the conversation to distract herself. And it works quite miraculously. By the time they reach Skyhold the next day she has completely forgotten their awkward conversation in the graves. 

Mostly.

….Or so she tells herself. 

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

7.  
Unfortunately, and completely contrary to popular opinion, the Maker hates her. Really, **really** hates her. Because apparently she was _not_ the only one who heard Cole's final comment, and apparently _someone_ (ie: Varric) had been running his fat dwarven mouth.

Ria was livid. On fire with rage and some other burning emotion that was shocking in it's intensity (and definitely _not_ jealousy).

 

Ooooh, when she was done Bull would be on fire and frozen _at the **same** time. _What was the man even thinking, hiring a prostitute for Cole? As if he would even know what to do with her, how would that even --

No, _stop._ Don't think about it and definitely don't try to picture it. Just kill, cummon Trevelyan, it’s warpath time. 

"Um, boss?" she tries not to be smug about the trepidation she sees in his face as she rampages her way across the bar. Iron Bull is a hard one to intimidate, but he's seen her take down dragons without really breaking a sweat. So...probably just self-preservation on his part.

"So," her voice is all cold rage and hard edges, " I heard you hired Cole a friend."

To her surprise, he doesn't even try to deny it or excuse himself. Instead, he brings up that he'd heard from Sera that Blackwall had heard from Solas that spirits liked sex. Which presumably he knew from personal experience. So, _you see,_ it was really totally O.K....

Ooor, that was Bull's logic. Ria didn't think it was anything approaching okay...or, well, mostly she just didn't want to think about it _at all._

If Cole was going to have sex it should have been with someone he chose, someone special (although that was rather hypocritical of her, given her own historical attitude towards carnal pleasures).

Why was this even upsetting her so much?

Cole can make his own decisions. Ria _knows_ that. 

He understands the complexity of humans enough to heal deep emotional wounds but can't consent? He knows enough about the importance of life and the significance of taking it to _kill_....but he can't spend a night of consensual pleasure with a professional?

Don't be silly, Ria. Of course he could.  
You just don't want him to.

The look Bull gives her when she arrives there mentally is smug. He _knows,_ and it’s not _fair,_ because she won't even let herself know… not _really._ But she can see it in his face, he has read her like a book.

"Correct me if I'm wrong, Boss, but I'm getting more of a jealous vibe from you right now than a righteously pissed one...and I'm not usually wrong." She zaps him with a mild lightning spell in response and goes to get shitfaced with Varric. 

The next time they're out on the exalted plains Iron Bull asks about Cole's night with 'Candy'; Ria actually holds her breath until she realizes nothing actually happened. Her audible sigh of relief earns her an annoyingly self-satisfied look from Bull again, a disgusted grunt from Cassandra and a confused stare from Cole.

Ria thinks that if they never, ever, ever talk about this again it will be far too soon.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

8.

Her bedroom door slams open just as she's slipping into bed, and in her sudden panic Ria summons flames to her hands, ready to shoot an angry fireball at whoever (she assumes) has come to assassinate her.

_Oops._ It's just Cole... and now she's singed her new sheets. 

For a moment she almost scolds him for not knocking, thinking perhaps one more lesson on polite human behavior is in order when she meets his frightened eyes. He looks like a wild animal, panicked. Or he did. As his gaze settles on her, taking in her presence, the last of the fight seems to drain from his limbs.

She watches his knees give out and he tumbles back against the door like a ragdoll, breathing heavily and clutching at his stomach as if wounded.

_Is_ he wounded? Ria scrambles from her bed in panic, rushing to his side and prying away his hands. Looking for blood, looking for any sign of what's wrong and heaving a heavy sigh of relief when he appears uninjured. 

"I'm dying." He says calmly, _too_ calmly. And she ~~screams~~ calls immediately for a servant, who is then sent to fetch: healers, the surgeon, Solas and Varric. It is only once they are alone that Ria chastises him, scolding him for coming to her when he should have sought help. 

"It's poison, I think. Started yesterday. Clawing, crawling around inside me. Burns, bites, bitter taste in my mouth. Bile." he turns his head and retches with appropriate timing. Though she doesn't know how she can possibly appreciate such a thing when her best friend is dying in her arms. 

Shock, perhaps.

Ria smooths his hair back and he leans into her touch with a weak smile, resting his meager weight against her. She presses a trembling palm to his forehead and his skin is searing though he is wracked with shivers. Her vision blurs with tears. 

_‘Not him, please, not him.’_

Footsteps thunder up the stairs and Leliana, accompanied by everyone she'd sent for, crowded into the room. The surgeon crouches low over Cole and takes his pulse. The head healer squeezes in next to her and furrows his brow in concentration, Ria feels the magic swell around him and tells herself everything will be alright.

Solas remains watching from the stairwell while Varric paces nervously on her fancy rug. 

"Kid, why didn't you go get help? Why come here? You know Petal's no good at fixing things. Well... things that can't be fixed by fireballs, anyhow." His attempt at humor falls flat in the tense room. He doesn’t look surprised.

"I thought about it." Cole says, voice sounding weak and tired. Ria's arms tighten around his shoulders.

"And...?" Varric pushes.

Despite the pain he's in Cole still manages to look serenely thoughtful, as he always does when he chooses words carefully. Making sure he will be understood by all. His version of coherence is still often abstract and misinterpreted. Most of the staff think he's simple, but his thoughts are brilliant -- even when his attempts at communicating them fall flat.  
That he's even bothering to make the effort now just reminds her why his death will probably destroy her.

"Dying is....scary." he says simply, tilting his head to look up at her. His eyes are intense, serious, and honest in a way that makes her want to hide. "But. Thinking I wouldn't see you again was...worse."  
 _Oh?_  
Oh.  
Ria tries to hold his gaze but her eyes are drawn to her left. To Solas. He is searching for something, looking between her and Cole before catching her eyes. Then, well, she can only describe his look as accusing. 

Has she done something wrong? It feels like she has, Ria's just not sure yet what it was.

"I can't find anything wrong with him." The healer speaks up finally, magic withdrawing, shaking his head. 

"Nor can I." Says the surgeon.

A somber silence fills the room for but a heartbeat -- then Varric chuckles.  
 _Chuckles._  
Ria wonders what would happen if he were suddenly struck by lightning.

"Calm down. I think this might actually be a good thing." He adds quickly when three furious sets of eyeballs turn on him. "Hey kid, when's the last time you ate anything?" 

"I don't need to eat, Varric." Cole says, patient and understanding even on his death bed (or floor, as the case may be). 

"That might have been true once, Cole. But you are Human now, at least mostly. Perhaps that is no longer the case." Solas looks amused now too. 

Relief rushes up on her like a tidal wave as a servant rushes to fetch some dry rations from the kitchen.

"I'm going to be alright?" Cole asks, as if asking for the weather outside. "That is good news."

Soon, the maid returns with a large platter of cheese, bread and dried meat. The healer advises Cole eat the whole spread slowly over the next several hours. Solas and Varric both volunteer to watch over him. Though somehow the job ends up assigned to Ria. 

"I worried you." He says when they're alone. "Sorry." Facing each other cross-legged on her bed. Platter between them. 

"You should have gone straight to the healer Cole." She says firmly. He nods but says nothing to reassure her that he will make a different choice were history to repeat itself. 

She ends up telling him stories of her childhood all night, carefully avoiding anything from after she was sent to the circle. He would only end up comforting her then, and this isn't about _her._

Neither of them sleep that night, though Cole confesses he feels strange (she assumes he means tired) when he doesn't get rest. It seems he is becoming more human by the bunches.  
-  
-  
-

Two weeks later a dozen chefs show up at Skyhold, apparently hired by Varric. There's a party, a cake, and a full banquet spread of cuisines from around Thedas. The dwarf declares that from now on the fifteenth of Harvestmere will be Cole's birthday and together they find out the boy likes spicy foods and hates the taste of ale. 

As the last of the guests drift away that night Varric pulls Ria aside and asks what's going on between her and Cole. She pretends to be too drunk to understand. Truthfully, she just doesn't want to think about it. 

Varric warns her not to hurt the kid and she tells him he's being silly.

Despite the lull and volume of the alcohol in her system it takes Ria hours to fall asleep -- feeling distressingly sober all the while.

 

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


	2. Chapter 2

9.

Logically Ria knows she's beautiful, smart, _occasionally_ even funny...and if nothing else she's always been a Trevelyan. Even a Trevelyan cursed with magic was still desirable to many for status alone.

Now she's the Herald of Andraste. Everyone wants her time, her attention, her influence.  
Nobodys wants _her._

It's not true…...  
...Probably.  
But it _feels_ true.  
Enough to cripple her sometimes.

Solas didn't want her, and she doesn't even know why. It's an old ache now, he turned her down. Their friendship dimming slowly afterwards like a neglected hearth. 

Cullen idealizes her. Fancies himself in love, she suspects. It's tempting. He's a templar, or was. Templars terrorized her for years. Beat her. Almost raped her once, when the rebellion was new. Sometimes she thinks sleeping with him might push back the memories, let her feel in more control.

She's not traumatized by it, not scarred forever like some of the others. It doesn't haunt her most nights, no more than thoughts of Adamant or the Conclave, at any rate. She escaped that fate, somehow. 

Ria knows many mages who were not so lucky.

Their kiss alone was cathartic, if unexpected. She had all the power there. Started and ended it. Watched him hang on her words when she said she needed time to think.  
Almost six months ago.

Still -- 

When Ria finds that first scrap of parchment she assumes it's from him. It seems a logical leap at the time. A small excerpt, not handwritten, torn from a book...but Cullen seems the type for such a romantic gesture. It's not particularly poetic or special. Just a paragraph and a half of a narrator describing the way his chest aches when he looks at a woman uncreatively named 'Belle'. 

It brings a smile to her face -- and the name rings a strange sort of familiar -- but is still not enough to lead her to his bed. 

The next fragment she finds under her pillow, the third when she unpacks her tent, the first night on the road to Emprise du Lion. They are all romantic, all torn from the pages of books -- no doubt taken from the Skyhold library. 

The fourth one comes more than a month later, delivered by one of Leliana's messenger birds, just as the doubts begin to creep back in. Just as her confidence begins to flicker. 

That should have been her first clue.

When she returns to Skyhold she bathes, dresses in a simple silk house dress and does her best to make her way sneakily across the battlements to his quarters. Her hand is raised to knock when she hears the first small moan come from inside. There’s a distinctly _Antivan_ accent to that moan.

A lump forms in her throat, she isn't sure why. Ria didn't really want _him_ anyways. But…

She’d thought he wanted _her._

-  
The next day she makes her rounds, as she always does after returning to Skyhold. Or after any memorable occurrence.  
Or on Tuesdays. 

In the Library, Dorian tells her about his plan to find out Corypheus's true name, and she promises to put someone on the task immediately. Her foot has just touched the first step of the stairs headed to Solas's rotunda when he calls out to her once more.

"By the way, darling, if you could please ask Cole to stop tearing apart all the good books from the fiction section I would highly appreciate it. Cheers." He turns back to the shelves then, running his fingers across the spines in search of a particular volume.

As such, he misses the astonished look on her face. 

She thinks, tiredly, and with no small amount of disappointment, that it makes sense for her 'secret admirer' to have always been Cole. After all, the notes have always come when she needed them most. They were romantic, but largely impersonal. And they were never written by hand.

It played out perfectly in her head. Cole had given her what she needed when she needed it. It was not special. There was no one out there who really wanted her. As pretty as the words had been, Cole certainly ~~didn't~~ couldn't mean them.  
 _Silly girl._

When she finally makes it back to her quarters that evening there's an entire book on her bed. This time simply sitting open, bookmarked carefully with a ribbon.

Despite thinking herself all flavors of foolish Ria reads the chosen pages. Much more personal this time. A detailed account of longing for a girl with wide grey eyes and hair light as the sand on Antivan beaches.  
Lips painted red as blood.....  
It really is very pretty prose.  
With a small smile, Ria sets the bookmark on her end table and turns to the the title page. Happy to no longer be quite so alone with her thoughts. 

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

10.

Why had she been looking forward to this again? There must have been a reason, she just...couldn't quite make it out anymore.

Even Varric was a downer today.  
Dorian gave her good natured shit, but shit none-the-less; and Cullen was in the middle of having a lyrium withdrawal breakdown (not that she’d been thrilled to see him, well, ever since he started sleeping with Josephine). So...not exactly the pick-me-up she'd been hoping for.

It was getting tiresome, constantly being everyones rock and confidant, with no one to turn around and ask or even care how _she_ was doing. 

Sera is her last stop, giving Ria grief despite all the work she'd done to assist her _‘friends’._ Apparently it's not enough to help the little people, you have to completely alienate all nobility along the way as well, or it doesn't count. 

Deeply wishing she had never gotten out of bed today...(or perhaps ever) Ria leaves Sera's little nook and braces herself to vault the balcony -- intending to take small pleasures where she could get them and skip the stairs. 

"Not visiting creepy today? eh? About time you wizened up, dunno how you stand it."  
It was nonsense, even for Sera. Or....maybe not.

There was something familiar. An urge at the back of Ria's mind that nagged at her to scold Sera for....'creepy' and 'it'. She wasn't supposed to call Cole that any---  
Cole.

She forgot Cole. OR.  
No.

Cole _made her_ forget. 

Why, why would he even?....ever?.. He was her friend, what could she have possibly done that...  
She felt betrayed. He'd been in her mind, he'd tried to take away her memories. Her memories of **him.** No way. She liked those memories, she _needed_ them. 

How _could_ he?

A group of Orlesian nobles scatter as she storms back into the main hall, making a beeline for Varric. 

"Did he get you too?"

"Oh good, it's been a while since I played the pronoun game with an angry mage...let's see. Who could this mysterious man be, perhaps a --"

No time for Varric's foolishness:  
"I’m talking about _Cole_ , can you remember him?"

The dwarf's eyes widen as he begins to understand what took place.

"The kid made you forget?"

"He _tried._ " she can hear the barely concealed rage and pain in her own voice, which must make it doubly obvious to someone as observant as Varric. They both know that if Cole weren't more human than spirit now it **would** have worked, _permanently._ So, there's a kernel of good news under the heaping pile of bad. Too bad Ria can't possibly appreciate it right now.

"I'll....talk to him. You two are close, I'm sure he had a good reason. Or, I’m sure he at least thought he did."  
Ria can't even dignify that with a response. She gives the dwarf one more curt nod before trying her best not to throw a temper tantrum before she can reach the privacy of her quarters. 

Then she waits. One hour, two hours, _three hours._ Nothing gets accomplished during that time. Nothing. She sits at her desk, glares at paperwork and just...fumes. After a while she migrates out to her balcony and shoots fire and lightning at the distant mountains. At least that makes her feel marginally better. 

Marginally. 

Eventually she hears a cautious knock on her door as it creaks open. Varric peaking around the frame as if afraid to leave cover. Ria crosses her arms expectantly as she turns towards him.  
"If it helps even a little bit, Petal, he was just as messed up about this as you are."

What is she even supposed to say to that? She wants to be worried about him, about why he didn't want her as a friend anymore. Did she do something wrong? hurt someone? make him mad? 

_Oh,_ Why even care! He betrayed her trust in a horrible way. 

"As usual, understanding exactly what the Kid says is more of an art than a science." he gestures vaguely with his hands, "He says he did it because he was hurting you. It seems like he panicked. He could tell whenever he was around you were 'aching inside, deep trenches of doubt -- she blames herself but it's me, I did this'" 

He does a passable impression of Cole, she thinks. Also, **oh.**

Yeah, _that._  
Things had been strange between them ever since she found out he'd been leaving her the love notes. 

"Is that all?" she says instead. It's enough for her to forgive him, even though it shouldn't be, but she was kind of hoping for -- what?

"Heh, not nearly." He gestures for her to join him on the couch as he gets comfortable. "Among other things he said he was "all wrong" and that you "needed it to be real" before implying that 'it' could never be real because he wasn't real. If any of that makes sense to you, I was pretty lost." The glint in his eyes says he wasn’t _really_ lost at all...but, she is.

 

Sense? Maybe a little. Ria could make guesses. This was probably about her finding out it was him. Cole panicked because he'd ended up causing more hurt than he'd prevented? Making her think she was loved when she wasn't? Whatever the boy thought he understood about what had happened between them it sounded like he'd at least made up his mind --- good for him.

_She_ was still reeling. 

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

11.

Awkward didn't even begin to describe this feeling.

They were talking again, at least.  
Well, they weren’t talking about what happened; About their feelings or his attempt to sabotage their friendship or about the future. Everything considered, he was being remarkably tactful about this -- given his usual penchant for sharing the private thoughts of others without censor. 

But they _were_ talking.

So, yeah, Awkward.  
At least they were busy.

Wintersend was in less than a week and Ria had run off to Val Royeaux to try and procure presents for everyone without bankrupting the Inquisition. She’d have to sneak off on her own tonight to get something for Solas, Varric and Cole. 

Hopefully they would still be able to --

"Hey, Kid. -" The dwarf calls from across the market, “Kid! Did you --”

“Stop calling me that!”

Ria drops the trinket she’d been holding, turning in shock to see Cole looking. Angry. Actually angry.

She had _never_ seen him look so perturbed, not without at least one unrepentant murderer present, anyhow.

“Stop.” He says again, firmly..and Ria is taken aback by how _normal_ he sounds. She doesn’t think she likes it. “I am _not_ a child Varric, not a kid. I am Cole, I am _me._ ”

Ria swears there were never any crickets here in the market before.

"Is there something you would like to discuss Cole, like _adults_ perhaps?" 

Thank the Maker for Solas. 

“No.”

Or not.

They need to talk about this, but not here. It’s too crowded and people are staring. The Inquisition has a reputation (strange, but largely positive) to maintain.

Ria all but drags her companions back to their lodgings (after compensating the merchant for the damaged inventory) and wastes no time in cornering Cole, demanding to know what has gotten into him. The answer is something she ~~really should have~~ never expected.

“I like you, the way _you_ used to like Solas. I want you to like me too, but you can’t. Not if I’m always a kid, not if I always do it, say it _wrong._ ” He cradles his head at the same time he starts pacing like a caged animal, the posture sends a distinctly mixed message.

Ria finds a sort of fog has moved in on her brain, refusing to understand what he is trying to tell her even as her heart begins to race expectantly within her chest.

“You aren’t doing _anything_ wrong Cole.” she hears herself say, voice strangely breathy. Her mouth suspiciously dry. 

“I am sorry I tried to take it from you.” He says, after a while, and Ria realizes she has spent perhaps the last five minutes in silence, staring at her own dusty boots. 

“It--” 

What? It’s alright? Because it really isn’t but…

He approaches her suddenly and the thud of boots on the wooden floor of her rented room sounds thunderous.  
Cole _never_ makes noise when he walks. She’d never really thought about it before but now it’s wrong and she doesn’t like it. It isn’t _him_. He’s been changing so much, so suddenly, and she wants it to -- 

Lips press clumsily against her own, all pressure and no passion. The impact sends a dull ache through her teeth and nose. Years of practice and basic sexual instinct tell her to tilt her head to accommodate him but this isn’t right, it’s _Cole._ Cole is kissing her, or...or trying to. And even though it’s awful and awkward Ria never wants it to --

“Stop!”

But she panics. Doesn’t know what this means; doesn’t know what she wants it to. So she Pushes him away so harshly that she stumbles backwards with the force herself, only staying upright by scrambling for the windowsill. 

Cole is standing right where she left him, not looking anywhere but at her. 

“I am not sorry for that.” he says, and more than anything Ria wants to say something back. She wants everything and nothing to change all at once and she just doesn’t know what to _do._

So she does nothing, and he leaves.

He’s the one good thing, the one _real_ friend she’s ever even _had_ and he just...leaves. Doesn’t he know what he means to her, doesn’t he know she can’t do this without him, doesn’t he---

That isn’t fair. How could he possibly know when she wouldn’t even admit it to herself. He didn’t leave. He’s _never_ left her.  
This was all her own stupid fault.  
 _She can’t just let him walk away._  
Only, she just **did.**

_“Cole!”_ Ria gasps, panic diluting her voice. 

She fade-steps out the door, down the hall and to the room that should be his.  
 _Empty._  
A normal ~~boy~~ man couldn’t have gotten far, but this is _Cole._ The ‘normal’ rules hardly apply. He could be almost anywhere.  
A frantic, atavistic fear grips her heart as she finds nothing on the roof either. 

To the void with the Inquisition’s reputation, she’ll search the whole Maker damned city if she has to. 

Ria takes the steps down to pub two at a time, hands automatically doing inventory on her person. Potions, armor, weapon, coin? _Check._ Now to just leave a message with the innkeeper and---

She hits the ground floor with a bang and grinds to a halt in embarrassment. The tavern is still in the lull between lunch and dinner and the few patrons present turn to stare at the racket she makes.

_Shite._

Reflexively her eyes seek out Varric, because he has the ability to defuse even the most volatile social situations and she finds him quickly near the bar talking to --

“Cole!” she actually shouts it out loud, like a complete maniac, but she can’t even care because he’s still _here._ He didn’t run, he didn’t leave her he’s just _here._

The distance between them is closed in seconds that are far too long and without hesitation she wraps him in her arms, planting kisses on every available inch of his face (going so far as to even remove his hat, since it was in her way).

When she finally pulls back to look at him he looks cautious and confused.

“I like you too.” Ria says, and when it does nothing to erase the expression on his face, “The way I used to like Solas.” she adds helpfully (hopefully).

Cole breaks into an immediate smile, and without warning she is being pulled back into his arms.

...Ria thinks that if she were not so deliriously content in this moment, she would probably smack Varric for his snide snickering. 

 

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
12.

So…

At first it’s just like they’re back to normal, back to being best friends. They are close more often than not, sit together at meals. Not much changes. Not like Ria had expected it to, anyways.

After what happened in Val Royeaux, well, it’s not like they explicitly agreed on anything. But she’d thought it was _understood._  
Was she wrong? 

One time he falls asleep on her sofa. Another he holds her hand under the table.  
When Ria finishes a hard judgement he wraps her in his arms and runs fingers through her hair.

And it’s nice, but -- 

She tries to kiss him once, tipsy from consoling Bull after the hazard that was allying with the Qunari; But he pulls away quickly and does nothing to reciprocate.

They have their first fight when she does not take him with her when she faces Corypheus. Ria says nothing about why, but Cole is ~~selectively~~ smart. He knows it’s because she’s not sure, because she cannot risk him being bound -- being taken from her.

When the ancient magister lies dead and Solas has mysteriously disappeared Cole is the only one to keep his distance, the _only_ one not to congratulate her. It hurts, and despite efforts Ria cannot locate him at all during the after party. 

She turns in early -- feeling rather underwhelmed with her victory for many reasons -- only to find Cole is waiting for her on the stairs. He looks...almost _scared._  
Ria had expected anger, not a kicked puppy.  
Maybe they aren’t headed for a fight after all.

He smiles at her, but it’s all twisted and wrong, before heading up the stairs.  
Ok, clearly not a fight, but something is _very_ off.  
Ria follows him warily.

When she reaches her quarters to find that he is shirtless and sitting on the bed: Something like dread begins to fester in her stomach. 

He is still watching her expectantly.

“What’s this about, Cole?”

“Sex” he says, and Ria almost trips over the rug. Um. Don’t get her wrong, she loves a good tumble as much as the next circle mage but….Things are _different_ with Cole and she isn’t sure _either_ of them were even ready for this. Yet.  
Ooooor maybe ever. 

“Maker’s Breath, Cole. We’ve barely even _kissed._ ” Is what comes out instead and she watches as his fingers clench tightly in the blankets, knuckles turning white.

Shit. This is gonna be a whole thing.

“But...people think about it all the time. _You_ think about it all the time. Or, you used to. Mostly Solas and Cullen, but sometimes memories.” He tilts his head, gaze turning familiarly inwards, “It’s never me.”

She stalls, unsure how to address this. It’s true, she has never fantasized about him _sexually.._ but; It’s not like she _doesn’t_ want it. She wants him, it just never occurred to her (It probably _should_ have, but it didn’t) that they might sleep together.  
Well, maybe literally sleep, but --

Her fingers are unsteady as she sheds her over armor until she stands before him in only her beige underclothes. Too uncomfortable and uncertain to move this forward. It feels _wrong,_ but Ria can’t pinpoint _why._

“Are you sure about this?”

“Yes.” He says, far too hurriedly, “I love you. It’s what people do.” Ria inhales sharply. Love. Well, that’s -- yes, she does love him. So much it scares her, so much it’s almost impossible to admit. “It’s what I’m supposed to do.”

Well, not exactly. Just plain **‘no’** really.

“That’s not what I meant Cole. I need to know if _you_ want this?”

“I want you to stay. I’ve been doing it wrong, I know. We’re supposed to be together, that is what I want, but I keep messing it up. ”

In no time at all she is beside him on the bed, wrapping him in her arms, embracing him head to toe. Ever since she met him he has guided her, saved her from Envy, from herself, from letting the constant demands of the Inquisition and the constant threat of failure devour her. How could she have let him doubt himself like this?

“I’m not going anywhere Cole.” Ria breathes out against his pale skin, pulling back just enough to look in his eyes. He has been getting worse and worse at reading people as he finds his humanity, and this is the best way to let him know she really _means_ this. “I don’t care if we ever have what most people would call a ‘normal’ relationship. _**We** aren’t normal._ I want _you,_ I love _you,_ not some theoretical version of Cole that never speaks in riddles or isn’t confused by culture and idioms. I _need_ you to understand that.” she finally finishes; Practically gasping for breath now, taken over completely by how much she means all of it. How much she is even capable of _feeling_ all at once. 

“I understand.” it’s hesitant and unsure, but not a lie. Cole is still terrible at lying, Ria is _sure_ she would be able to tell. 

“Good.” she says simply, and with a small _‘umpf’_ she disentangles them and snatches up his shirt from the floor, holding it out to him tentatively. It can’t look like she’s pushing him in either direction, this is _his_ choice. 

He take it eagerly and---  
sets it right back on the floor.

So: Ria goes for it.

“But since we _are_ being disturbingly honest with each other, I _would_ like to have sex again some day. With you. Um...if that’s alright?”

“Yes. Will you teach me?”

Despite herself Ria laughs, and is glad when she calms that Cole doesn’t look even a little offended.

“Of course.”

“Kissing too?”

“Sure.”

“Now?” the question seems to change the very air around them, innocent as it is.

“If you want.” she offers, unsure where to even start.

Cole’s only response is to press his lips to hers again. As clumsy as the first, and all the more delicious for it.

_‘Oh yea,’_ she thinks, wrapping her arms around his neck and rolling them so his weight presses down on her, _‘that’s where,’_

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that's it. 
> 
> I tried not to edit too much, I was so weirdly passionate when I originally wrote this I didn't want to tarnish it. Mostly I fixed errors in past and present tense, and I seemed to bounce back and forth a bit too freely. 
> 
> I really thought I'd have this part up the day after the first, but apparently when family comes to visit even finding time to write (<i></i>) over and over is difficult. Does anyone know if there is a way to import documents from Google Docs to AO3 without having to redo the html?
> 
>  
> 
> _-_
> 
>  
> 
> _Anyways, thanks for reading. Hope you liked it. <3_


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